please hold

i promise i didn't ditch out here :-) i have just been hellaciously busy at work... and that is where i get an opportunity to be in front of a computer for 8+ hours per day, so i blog here.

lots of good updates on life happenings coming soon... and updates on so and so. not sure if that is good or not. but, i am optimistic about all else... in the meantime, marvel at my beautiful new kitten, matilda. she is the newest addition to my cat family (i only have three - so hold the press! i am NOT yet a crazy cat lady, haha).

i will update a little more when i have some time this week.

why did we even bother?

so and so wound up calling me last night. we had (yet another weekly - always on thursday) misunderstanding via fucking text... things were light hearted (he was still at work) and we were teasing each other etc. and then all of a sudden out of nowhere, he says something along the lines of 'geez lady, can't you ever back off for 2 seconds to let someone give you a compliment?' followed up with the gem 'extra sadface :-('. wtf? WTF? so, reading that, i immediately felt like i did something wrong, and told him 'wow, i thought we were joking around. guess i was wrong... again.' to which it spiraled from there - he started telling me i misunderstood what he meant blah blah blah... and then he called me (because my very last text said that now i was confused i did something wrong. he shut down on me, and wouldn't even elaborate on what he meant).

let me back up a little - monday night we had a very long discussion about us - and where we were and where we were going etc. i put him on the spot, and asked him if he ever thought i would be his girlfriend. he answered saying that if things kept going the way they were that it is something he could see. we continued to talk about his fears, the communication issues we have had etc... it felt good - it finally felt right... until last night.

he called me after the text debacle. he kept asking me if i was happy, etc. i got irritated - we had this same exact discussion on monday and now he was asking me again. he then went on to tell me how he isn't even sure he meant what he said to me on monday regarding me ever being his girlfriend... that he was trying to figure things out - weigh out the options. he also said that at first he thought about the girlfriend thing - but basically since then, it hasn't entered his mind. i felt deflated - as if someone has kicked me in the chest. he kept talking and said something along the lines of if we worked past this issue, and were together after a year, that he could see us getting more serious. a year? i don't know of anyone who has just dated someone for a year and had it turn into anything else. he then started to tell me that he doesn't know how to deal with me when i have cried in front of him - that it is something he has never dealt with, and he doesn't want to feel responsible for it (that he can't hack that thought of making me cry). i really didn't know what to say to him - and he was supposed to call me after he got home from work. surprise! he never called me. i waited two hours for him to call, and was finally able to fall asleep.

i was so sad last night (and still am this morning). i literally feel sick to my stomach... like this dull, aching pain. to know that someone doesn't know if they meant what they said to me tells me that they don't really care... am i wrong? i get confusion - i get it. but this - this feels like something else. and when i told him that last night (that it felt like it was over) he told me he was not implying that he wanted it to be. talk about being confused... *sigh* i wish i had no feeling for him - it would make me feel so much better about this, and make my decision even easier. i know - i sound like a fool for staying with this man. but i guess i saw something in him - in us - that truly isn't there. i am so terrified that i will never meet a man who wants to truly be with me - who will love me unconditionally, regardless if i cry. who will want to hold and kiss me a lot... who will understand i am a bit bull headed and accept me for it... someone who wants to spend time with me, and build a future.

here i am again - another friday - waiting for the day to end so i can go home, curl up, and cry into my pillow again. i certainly didn't envision things going like this.

it has been too quiet

yeah, i have been on a hiatus over the past week - from life. i needed to step back and reevaluate some things that have been going on (fights with my sister/roommate, disagreements with so and so [yes, we are still seeing each other despite what i said - long story] finding out another cousin has cancer again etc.). i have been on a facebook strike too (trying to avoid more misunderstandings which seemed to occur all too often). to add into all this loveliness, i haven't even seen, heard from, or talked to my "best" friend in over a month... ah, the joys of life.

work has been kicking my ass as of late too. i was integral in launching a new provider network at my company... and we just kicked it off last week, and since then it has been non-stop at the office. in addition to that, my manager had to terminate one of the team members for tardiness. prior to that (about 2 weeks before) we had another team member who quit... i have been taking on added responsibilities (and we have a freeze on raises this year mind you) in hopes to further myself in the company. and then on top of all else, i am trying to save a ton of money to move, and it was the 10 year anniversary of my grandpa's death.

so yeah, i have needed a break from everything for a bit. if i could have buried my head in the sand i would have. i am not depressed, upset, angry etc. i just need a little hiatus. my god, i feel like this has been a bitching blog (and maybe it has been). i just have to learn to breathe sometimes and not freak out... and step back to examine things once in a while.

the (in)conveniences of modern technology (part trois)

why is it that even though i SOMETIMES despise modern technology (a.k.a. text messages), i also find myself "freaking out" if i don't hear from so and so? have i become so dependent on this that it can throw a wrench in my mood?

the short answer is yes.

however, i wholeheartedly defend that stance. as much as i would LIKE to say not receiving a text is not a bad thing, the more i realize that i have become conditioned to believe it is. it is similar to the situation of "back-in-the-day dating" as i like to call it (meaning: back-in-the-day, people would get upset if they didn't get a phone call after a date, or from their sweetie).

if you notice above i use the word conditioned - and i say that because i KNOW that not getting a text is not necessarily a bad thing. but the little girl voice inside of my head (i lovingly refer to her as my leftover teenager) still nags at me - taunting me... asking me why i have not heard from so and so today. it also stems from the "norms" i feel society has put on our methods of laziness (e.g. texting, facebooking, twittering etc.). typically, we have been "taught" when we don't hear get a tweet, a text, an email etc., it is a negative thing... when in reality, that person could just be having a bad day, out picking flowers, or visiting their grandma. you get my point.

i feel women are more inclined to take offense to these (non) actions. reason being; women usually seem to be on the (non) receiving end of this "communication". now see, i am no man hater. but it is usually the case that the male has been the "hunter", and the female the "hunted". women like to be pursued - there is nothing wrong with that. we expect men to call us when they say they will. but, we also get our feelings hurt when this doesn't happen. i think it goes deeper than that though because when we (women) get upset about not hearing from our so and so, our insecurities start to show. and these insecurities are based off of previous situations of disappointment.

i have to be very clear here. i am not saying that men have to do all the work. i am not even suggesting that this applies to all men. all i am doing is using a sweeping generality. i am sure plenty of men can say the same things. again folks, generalization.

at the end of the day i have to remind myself that EVERY relationship is a balance of give and take. i cannot always expect a so and so to reach out to me... but during the courting period, you bet your butt i do! when things are a lil' more established, i am okay with being the initiator, reaching out, and seeing how he is doing. also, i have to continue to remind myself that NOT hearing from someone is NOT a bad thing. their day may be more hectic than mine. as long as they are still thinking of me, and ONLY me, i am cool. i have no reason to be insecure or upset UNTIL i am given one. hmmm, maybe i should hit someone up right now and see how their day is...?

...but i still haven't found what i'm looking for

yup. that about sums it up. after all the turmoil, aggravation, and self inflicted heartache, i am just done. i am DONE feeling like i have to chase a guy who can just "disappear" when he deems fit because he is an "emotional wreck." hmm, really? because when i had some emotional times, i didn't bail, or not return calls etc. AND when he goes through his "emotional" times, i never give him crap for it... in fact, i try to be supportive. i TRY to be there for him - but he continually pushes me away. but he is "sensitive" and i should be "sensitive" to him needing to be alone.

FU*K THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i can give people time when they need it. but i am DONE with the BS excuses. i WANT someone who wants to reciprocate. and if they are going through a hard time, i want them to lean on me. none of this 'i will decide when it is convenient for me to lean on you' garbage. you are in, or you are out. i am done wasting time on people who do not matter in the grand scheme of things in my life. i can't do it anymore - i am 30. i am done wasting my time. you either want to be with me, or you don't. i can make it very easy, and WILL. buh-bye.

i am really hesitant to try online dating again. sometimes i feel like it is impossible to meet quality people anywhere anymore. i got a nice ego boost from a guy pal of mine last friday. i sort of revealed a little bit of what was going on (e.g. no sex for almost 3 months now) and he was stunned... said he didn't understand how any boy could keep his hands off of me. i know, and knew, it was not me. whatever the hell so and so's deal is is no longer mine. that type of relationship spells FRIENDSHIP to me. and clearly i don't have sex with friends, so why is this any different now? oh wait, it isn't. no longer will i take his words for face value because i see where that has gotten me - nowhere. what did einstein say insanity was again....?

ugh, i am done ranting for today. have any of you had luck online dating, and if so, which sites have you used? admittedly, so and so and i met online... and clearly, you all can see where that has gotten me.

too sick to post?

yup, that is me this WHOLE week. i don't know what i am sick with, but it is throwing me for a loop. whatever crud is going around the office needs to stop.

dear co-workers;
when you are sick, people, STAY HOME!!! i really don't want you to share your swine flu with me. i might like you and all, but i don't want you sneezing, and coughing, and wheezing all over me or my desk. i typically have the common courtesy to stay home when i am sick. so, please, for the love of all things great, GO HOME.
piss off, sickies,
dana

i will return next week with more hijinks and tomfoolery to share. as for now, pray i don't have the swine flu, and that my head does not explode from coughing too much.

this is why i rule

if you have never seen this site, PLEASE peruse the archives: cute with chris

i almost peed myself i was laughing so hard last monday when so and so showed me this... the most recent webisode is hysterical.

but this is really why i rule - he even included my original email. AND he even made a great reference to one of their songs... and nope - i am not telling you. go see for yourselves :-)

comment, email, post links to this site. this man is a genius!

wrap up

i am feeling a lot better since last week. A LOT. so and so and i had a knock down incident that left us questioning if we were actually going to still be together. the short answer is yes.

i recognized a few things about myself - and one is that i tend to jump to some conclusions too quickly. when he tries to tell me is feelings etc., i seem to have a way of dismissing them, or plowing right through them without really acknowledging them. i think it stems from my frustrations in the lack of communication on his part... BUT he really is trying to communicate. i need to learn to be more patient overall, and especially with him. i need to give him a chance to tell me how he is feeling, and vice versa. overall, it is a work in progress. we still have yet to be intimate again - and i am missing that part. i am not really sure how else to broach that subject with him - but i am hoping it just happens, and we don't have to talk about it again. progress - progress is what i have been looking for, and it seems we may be headed in the right direction.

the weekend was really nice though. so and so performed Friday night at a place in Rockford. he is really great on stage - it makes me want to consider doing the singing thing again. Saturday was equally as great as i went to the No Doubt show with a few, close friends. and i will be damned if out of 25,000 people the same guy who ran into me Thursday wasn't there again! AND he and his buddies sat right behind me. it was too funny - we exchanged niceties and proceeded with out evenings separately. and then yesterday, so and so and i spent the day together - it. was. really. great. he is getting so much better at being affectionate with me (as i don't think he has really been in the past, or that anyone has really been that way to him...?).

all in all, i feel mucho better. i need to learn to relax sometimes, but i also realize i am never going to "settle" for less than i want.

p.s. i promise to have a more insightful post soon. life happens - and i have had to vent about it recently :-)

a great release

last night was such an amazing (and needed!) night. my good friends from Indy came out (Kerry and Libby) to join me and my girl, Jen, for a fabulous evening of music and dancing courtesy of Rachael Yamagata AND Bumpus. this was the first time they had performed together since 2002... and it brought me back to good times, filled with dancing, laughter, and great friends.

i had such a great release last night. i put all ill thoughts to the back of my mind, and enjoyed my evening with the girls. a long, overdue evening, and much needed. not only did i get to spend the night with my girls, but i ran into old friends from the 'Bump Crew' days. ha, i even ran into a man i briefly dated last fall - he kind of sought me out to say hi which was nice (we didn't end it on bad terms - it just didn't work out). besides him, i ran into a man who i have always loved dearly - my friend, Tom. back in the day, i met him at a Bumpus show, and whenever we would go see them live, we would dance our booties off for hours! last night was no different. we danced so much, so hard, and for so long, that we were covered in sweat. but it felt amazing! the release of endorphins made me smile, and laugh as i haven't done in a long time.

if you have never had the pleasure of seeing Bumpus live, i highly recommend it! Rach used to be a part of the band back in the day, so it was natural that they would invite her to sing a few songs with them. we all went nuts! the very last time i saw the original lineup (yep, they invited back the original drummer AND sax section too) was back in 2002 before Rach got signed to a major label. this was a treat, and something i never thought i would see again. the energy, my friends, the music - it all comingled in a most successful way... just like i always remembered it to be!

by the time we left (around midnight, after saying goodbyes to friends, and Rachael) i felt like i was on top of the world. even though my feet hurt (mostly because i wore crappy flip flops to dance in, lol) i barely noticed. these are the times i cherish most - good friends, good times, and many laughs and smiles :-) thanks for an amazing night, ladies and gentleman!

my diatribe

i have been hibernating a bit over the last few days; mostly because i am still so... upset/put off/hurt about what happened monday evening. the night before last, so and so told me he "missed" me via text, and i never replied that i felt the same. it bothered me that he said that - mainly because i questioned his sincerity in the statement (i have told him that so many times, and he never replies - so it almost felt like a taste of his own medicine). then, so and so texted me last night, stating that he hadn't heard from me all day (mind you, yesterday was one of his days off of work). i wasn't really sure how to answer him. in short, i told him i had a busy day and wasn't very talkative. truth is that i was pretty irritated (with him). there were a couple more brief exchanges, and i just ended the conversation.

see, he has this knack of conveniently 'forgetting' that he has made plans with me. A LOT. i can count on one full hand how many times he has done so over the last 2 weeks. i guess i am just that unimportant. two times he apologized for it (well, one real apology, and the other was a half assed apology), but most of the time, he doesn't even acknowledge that he was wrong. he will say things like 'did we make concrete plans of what we were going to do?' or (my favorite) 'i don't know why i always forget about plans?' HEY - I DO!!!!! because you don't really care. it isn't a priority to you, because, if it were, you would be knocking down my door to keep them... or at least make up for them. he never seems to forget about plans with his friends. no sirree! i mean, they are totally there for him all the time (*cough* bullshit - because he told me they aren't).

i didn't even bother to remind him last night, and that was mostly because i am so sick of it. do i REALLY need to wipe someone's ass for them everytime something goes awry? i am all for 50/50 in a relationship, but it is more like 90/10 (and the 90 is from ME). hell, he is not even my boyfriend... he wants to take it at a snail's pace; and i was cool with that - until now. i feel like a convenience, and a chauffeur. i am sick of him not taking responsibility for a damned thing. i am sick of being the scapegoat for blame all the time. i am sick of him not wanting to be intimate with me when we WERE intimate 2 months ago (and before that of course). i am sick of him being selfish. i am sick of feeling like he twists what i say to use it against me. i am sick of him opening up to me to tell me things about his life, and then pulling away... and furthermore brushing off my explanations for things in my life, or my reactions, as being so because i am a 'drama queen', or didn't suffer as much as he did (and oh boy, let me tell you, i know a thing or two about life, dammit).

i am not an evil woman. i don't like game playing, or giving someone a 'taste of their own medicine'. but sometimes i think i HAVE to in order for someone to get the point. it is not fair when something is okay for one to do/say/think/feel/act upon, and not the other. i have told him these things before - and for a bit, it seemed like we were in sync - on track again. but then it all flipped the other night because of a comment he made that i got upset about (and despite him telling me he was joking, i truly don't believe that). and now, whether he does, or does not realize it, we are back at negative square 5 - again.

yes, i am looking at what i have been writing. and i know exactly what to tell my friends to do.... yet, i find myself sucked back in, because i started to fall for this guy... he got upset when i tried to leave him a couple months ago. and then tells me now how nothing since his divorce (over 2 years ago or more now) has ever lasted past 6 months (REALLY??? what a surprise - i wonder why?). according to him everyone bails on, and abandons him. hmmm, interesting - because he seems to do the same thing (emotionally) in his relationships. he also tells me that he really doesn't trust anybody, and having a "girlfriend" is a supremely big deal to him (well, deeming the title so anyway). i get that he had a rough upbringing (really rough from what he has told me). and maybe i am wrong, but wouldn't that make you want to cherish what you DO have in your life that much more? i know all too well about having terrible things happen, and then building walls - and he does too. but when do you knock them down? he told me he wants to see "us" have a future. but, i am hard pressed to believe that when he can't even try to make "us" good in the present. i WANT to give this a chance, i really do, but i feel mentally worn down... so, so much. i can't see myself waiting another year for this guy to finally 'get it' with respect to what we have or what not. taking it slow is fine - but is it really when you are virtually in neutral all the time...? i want to hold a mirror up to him and show him how his actions, or words, affect me. but will he really get it? i don't know - i feel like he would just be defensive, and tell me how i am playing 'victim'... again.

*sigh* a good friend told me these words, and she was so right. 'you can't make a man realize how great you are. if he doesn't get it right away, then he is not the one for you.' damn. DAMN. damn..... that really stings when you find yourself caring so much for one person that you have ignored yourself.