Diary of a big city dweller

i sucketh at posting

2011-06-10T10:40:00.002-05:00

it has been a month and a half. sure, lots has happened, but then again not so much.

my weight loss has been going S L O W and i guess that is to be expected since i am super close to goal now (as of this morning i was only 13.2 lbs away from my end goal of a 70 lb weight loss). i am happy - supremely happy. i look better, i feel better, and i know i will not allow myself to get back to that "bad" place i was in.

i have been seeing someone for the past month and some change, but i will be honest. as much as i like this dude, he is kind of a stroke... and as much as he doesn't want anything serious is as much as i don't want to be strung along. however, i am doing my best to continue to develop my 'i don't give a shit attitude' because let's face it; any man who REALLY likes a woman will put in the work or "game" if you will. he does, and then he doesn't. so, despite him stating that he is not and does not want to date anyone else while he is dating me, i am going to continue to live my life. i am not going to put myself on pause for a "maybe" guy. he is really cool - nice, funny etc. BUT i am 32 years old and deserve to be treated with respect. you might be busy in life honey, but the longer you continue to busy yourself with all the other nonsense means the longer you will be lonely... and i will most likely not be around for that.

i am also going to NYC for vacation in 3 weeks (squee!!). seriously, i cannot wait! i am putting serious thought into really moving there next year as well. the only ties i have here in chicago are my family & friends... not that those are not important, rather, i still need to live, and make my own life for myself. i have always wanted to live in NYC for as far back as i can remember. perhaps this is really the time for me to make the change! i want a new career path, and i want to feel like my life has truly "begun" if that makes any sense.

so there you have it - my last month and a half - a brief, but albeit, good snippet. until we meet again....

another freakin' year older

2011-04-22T14:29:00.002-05:00

i get pretty bejiggity around my birthday - that is a fact. and this year Easter happens to grace the day of MY birthday. whatever. i am most definitely going to burn in Hell for saying that i was cursed this year, but so be it...

the last 3 birthdays have kinda sucked. people seem to be giant dicks (or more so than usual) to me around my birthday. for example, 3 years ago i went to Vegas. the girl i went with (formerly a friend) was all consumed by her boyfriend back home. we didn't really have any fun until our last night in town. the following year (2 years ago) was my 30th, and i went to NYC with aforementioned non-friend, and another non-friend (now anyway). i was already panicking about turning 30, and these two were so insensitive i almost looked up flights to go home early. seriously - that year was capped with crying fits, and basically being scolded by non-friend #1 for being upset about turning 30... that coming from the girl who got engaged right before we went on vacation.

last year sucked because i was still involved in a toxic relationship with someone who is, ironically enough, super close to me now. last year i was fat, and i got wasted the night of my party... i was drowning my sorrows of birthdays past, and present... and now we have this year.

my best friend was nagging me all week about taking me out for dinner tonight. i had also wanted to do a little clothes shopping because, hey! i have lost 52.4 lbs and have not been shopping since BEFORE i lost weight. i kinda deserve it... but, that got all fucked up when someone mentioned the prospect of going for drinks after work today (since we get out early). she jumped all over that invite like it was her last supper. i, of course, declined. i had a plan in mind. i didn't want to go drink, and wanted a low key chick night. she knew this. yet, she made these plans to go with some other people. normally it wouldn't bother me as much, but this was supposed to be a girl's night for us... she knows the last few birthdays have sucked, and then she goes and makes these plans (and mind you, it isn't the first time). on top of it all, she tried to back pedal last night and then, all of a sudden, wasn't going to go drinking and wanted to hang with me. here was my issue - i wasn't about to play second fiddle to her drinking plans. furthermore, i had already asked my sister to hang out. i kept telling the BF to keep her plans, and that i had made other ones...

so, today, she sends me a half assed apology email at work about how she was sorry for changing plans, but that she was no longer going out with the girls... and that she wanted to go with me instead. i stuck to my guns and told her to keep her plans. like i said, this is not the first time this has happened with said friend. *deep breath* i guess the point of my rant is that i was hurt (still am actually). drinking seems to be way more important to her these days. and SHE was the one who insisted on making dinner plans... am i being a dick? i don't think so... to make matters worse, my sister, who was going to go with me, pretty much bailed too... so, i am going with plan z - i am treating myself to a new friggin tattoo and will maybe go shopping afterwards... i am going to do my best to turn my mood around. but in all honesty, i really just want to curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep... i've felt like that since last night when i had the rush of tears fill my eyes... and then again this morning at work.

i will be another year older, and feel like i am stuck in a birthday from 3 years ago that continues to recur year to year but with slightly different happenings. maybe i will wake up and get off pause soon.

speaking of goal weights....

2011-04-19T12:43:00.002-05:00

i just completed week 30 of weight watchers. THIRTY weeks on plan. i am amazed at what 30 weeks can do to one's soul. when i first started i was really stuck - mentally, emotionally, and physically. i don't know why it all changed - i really don't. i can't place my finger on the moment my brain stopped beating me up... one day, it just clicked!

i am officially down 52.4 lbs as of last evening. it is really tough to wrap my head around that. as the numbers keep dropping, and compliments roll in, it overwhelms me. i started this journey for myself, and will finish it (and continue on with it) for myself.

i just have to admit that getting closer to the goal i determined for myself is scary. admittedly, i went off plan twice last week (i half assed tracking on said days too for the first time since Christmas day)... not that i want to jinx myself, but i did not expect ANY sort of a loss this week. i was pleasantly surprised, but it also frightened me to think that i could "cheat" and not have consequences. now i know that is NOT the case all the time... however, we are all entitled to treat ourselves once in a while, right?? THAT is the part i have the most fear of - letting go in that respect once in a while. i could hit my goal next week (for blog's sake let's go with this) but i still need to teach myself the art of living life... not just following a plan and then falling off into the unknown. life is going to happen as i have said time and again - but it is much easier to SAY that than totally adhere to that motto. i have never felt deprived on plan. but i also haven't allowed myself those "off" weeks like a lot of folks in my Monday night meetings seem to do... does that make me better because i stick to the plan to a tee? nope - not really. it just shows that i have a long way to go on my mental healing journey that goes hand in hand with my weight loss.

i think my fear of hitting goal concerns me so much because i was at my goal not too long ago... and then one day i looked in the mirror and i was fat. FAT!! i never struggled with my weight growing up, rather, it was a symptom of my mental bashing (of myself, of course) as i got older. i have to learn to embrace the fact that goal weight is just around the corner. holy shit - i have been on plan for almost 7 months... i can't keep being terrified. but i ask this - when does the living, and enjoying of all this hard work begin? i don't think i am alone in questioning that....

new starts

2011-04-11T11:13:00.002-05:00

i did it. i deleted all my prior posts in order to start fresh on this bad mamma jamma. so far this has been my year of changes. it all started back last fall with me joining Weight Watchers. to date, i have lost FIFTY pounds. it is quite astounding, weird to get used to, but a VERY great feeling! i also did some life cleaning over the last 6 months. i decided it was time to purge all of the toxic things in my personal life especially since i was doing so with respect to my body. this included booting about 3-4 bad seeds (read: people) from my life. at first i doubted my decision. but, after a minute of thinking on it, i discovered that this was one of the best choices i had made in a long time. when you finally realize someone is not a good egg in your life, it is best to run like Hell to get away from them - at least it is in my opinion. i won't dwell on these people because i would be wasting precious typing time. after the new year, i began to date someone i met from eHarmony. he was nice enough and i enjoyed some of the times we had together... but, it become blatantly apparent after about a month that he was not the person i needed to be with. so, in the spirit of more changes, i ended it. well, i should say we ended it - and quite amicably i must say. see, the thing is, i am a VERY social gal, and i need someone who can not only respect that, but keep up with that. he just didn't. in fact, i feel i fell victim to false advertisement on his EH profile. he mentioned he was quiet, but didn't say he NEVER talked, nor communicated with the person he dated. yeah, that was another thing - he just didn't communicate with me period. he full out admitted that he would just go along with things so as not to "rock the boat". well, homegirl don't play that! and i was more than honest about how i was feeling. so, we took a couple of days to think on our long conversation about the relationship and guess what? despite him saying that he thought all was pretty much okay, and the only issue he had was that i was not appreciating him *rolling eyes*, he FINALLY agreed that he didn't think it would work out either. imagine that? had i NOT said anything he would have sat back for another 3 months and been status quo with the relationship. again, homegirl don't play that! oh, another minor detail - when you stop wanting to have relations with your significant other, especially so early on in a relationship, that is usually a good indicator that you should NOT be with them anymore. just saying.... so, back to my year of changes, and the present... yeah, so i got back onto EH after that minor road bump, and i gotta say, while it is okay to try the online dating, i think i prefer the face-to-face meeting of men much better. i have spoken to, and met a couple of nice guys... but i just haven't met someone i think i click with yet. and i am very okay with that. i met someone while i was out on friday, and we have plans wednesday, but again, we shall see what emerges from this one. i am kind of in selfish mode right now. dating is great, but i am so focused on my health, and spending time with family/friends that i am not even sure i want a boyfriend right now. dating would be okay i think. but i am really all about continuing my weight loss journey (25 more lbs to go!!) and doing things for MYSELF! we shall see where life takes me... i turn 32 in a couple of weeks, and as much as i used to dread the thought of being a single gal at 32, i am embracing it now! i SHOULD embrace that! i mean too much too myself and others to settle. that is where i am at right now. i am hoping to do a better job of keeping up on this blog this time around :-)